NATURAL FLOWISM STUDIOS

IF I DON'T WRITE THIS NOW

I FEEL LIKE I NEVER WILL...

...thankfully that is not true. Now whilst this might not come out the right way, I think that is possibly a good thing because then the truth of it, about it, and within it will not be hidden.

It is now the 02/01/2023/02:07am

I have been just drawn to documentaries about...I feel to say human treatment. 1st Nation Abuses from around the Globe. In search of the compatibility and comparability of how the almost or exact behaviours have been played out when dealing with similar or the exact same behaviours single down into individuality!

But, as I did that a mildish form of personal guilt hit. Here, I was just the other day waxing lyrical about how the most beautiful thing I ever heard was hearing that my brain is what creates my mind. Only meant in the context of my self-healing from abuse not per se because I am a Mother...and nothing is more beautiful than hearing your own child say I love you which is such an intrinsic part of who I am. I never feel or see the need to explain it just is regardless.

Sometime ago, I asked my daughter specifically if I could mention her, and tell her story with me as her Mother, and she agreed. 

I wanted to become a better Mother, a better Parent empty nesting hit me hard. Therefore, I thought it would be a really good idea for me to interact with a book, that really help raise me. But, since I thought it was a good idea...I have also struggled to make the type of films or video shorts I would like too. 

For some reason, just now before I felt like a pang yet an urge, awakening, something moved me, inspiration to at least mention or say something else...something hit me as I am search around the globe out side of myself for comparison what about the journey of brain health but first brain injury I went through with my daughter...and what that has really done been like and done for us, and too us as we are forced to live with the experience of being stalked.

I had not yet lost my full baby weight in the late summer autumn of 1985. Wearing a tight polyester mix shiny type fabric black skirt which had low pleats which fluted just above my knee with a white and grey crew neck jumper, I was living in Notting Hill Gate in my very first one bedroom flat rehoused as a single person in may of the same year my daughter was born. The floor was concrete with Lino covering. All I could afford I would say because it was not to my interior home making liking was a small basket matt flooring just in front the sofa. I was a lone parent other single mothers...yes there appeared to be some distinction, had wall to wall carpet etc. Nevertheless, never to be ungrateful I sat I think it was on a Sunday in the living room basking...actually no...I pretty sure now...I might have been recovering from a visit from male relatives. I mean I could have worn the same outfit twice...hmm...but... 

Sitting hear as I write this I can almost feel it all over again...I went to stand up but in two parts, so I never stood straight up...I stood up bent over with my daughter before straightening up already moving away from where I was would have been seated holding my daughter almost at my tummy level then I would pull her up to my chest...well, on this occasion I thought, and felt like I had my daughter in my grip as I went to pull...my daughter up who was dressed in a tight knitted dungaree suit all puffy and clean slipped she slipped from my grip impacting the matt with the back of her head.

I went into shock. I thought I had killed her for a split second...all I remember is grabbing a cushion and placing it at the back of her head, she appeared fine knowing already how important brain damage can be lucky I still have film in my disk camera I grab it and take a picture, because I knew that will help as evidence to where she was injured. I think I must have called my health visitor the next day mortified and convinced I had absolutely ruined my Childs life. It wasn't just an accident to me it was history repeating itself again!

In a family which was made up of abused people having children they also abused without recognition. Family banter, humour & rumour which went along with accounts of incidents was no laughing matter. I thought I should never have a child because of the rape I grew up experiencing. When I decided to have my daughter I decided to raise her with everything opposite to what I had know despite my own incapacity. I didn't have much else but to teach her the truth as far as I can understand, and speak it.

Though, I knew brain health and any accident your child could have which could damage their brain was of paramount importance. As a young Mother I did not recognise any of other warning signs fully. 

The first was speech.

Not being able to fully percieve words my daughter had to have therapy, and believe it or not I allowed her decided whether she wanted to continue with extended therapy, or not. I still did not understand the long term consequences or connection of the accident I had with her. Their was the governor at 2 otherwise known as the terrible two's. I thought, as expected. There was obstinance in that my daughter barely drank  milk from a bottle teet, it was either me, and from their she figured out how to drink from her own sippy cup. She had  the discernment down.

Growing up as my child she was up against it in ways I wish she wasn't. Thankfully, a lot worked out fine. Despite all the negativity I believed, that I was told about how much of a failure I would be in life, we figured it out...as we both grew up together!

If I am honest we grew up close is there a degree of trauma bonding between us? Yes.

The Governor at two, and communication continued to be unrecognised issues for me to negotiate as a parent with little and no experience because I was growing out of those things too!

I left confusion all of the place in my communication and action without meaning too. I had the worst relationships.

Self-Defence and Defiance went hand it hand, and trying to be Clearly understood was forever a challenge. I had so many personal problems they overloaded unto my daughter, I could see it happening, I wanted to stop it, had no idea what to do about it, and underlying all of this we are stalked.

The anonymous telephone stalker that came along with my daughter first mobile phone admittedly initially was funny. Again, I did not realise what it all fully meant. 

We had got away, I was not concerned as I was in Notting Hill Gate where my daughter grew from a toddler onwards where we could almost be seen frequently always enjoying walks to together going to the park frequently, hugging, laughing, my daughter played out almost freely. In South London there was almost relief from the stalker experience my daughter had experience as an innocent witness from a toddler in a pram, as a girl shaken as I fought off being lunged at, and as she witnessed a fight back at the front door.

It is unthinkable when you hear a lot of men speak about how they revel in treating women well. To be stalked by a man years your senior who had his own responsibility which he lied about, who was let go of as a result then went on to stalk still showing up even by representation some 20+ Years later. 

 

What I speak Stalking or being stalked it is nothing compared to the worse case scenario, and it is still bad enough as it is, but why let it get to the stage when it gets worse?

Our reaction to stalking has the appearance of diversity. Children who grow up with ongoing incidents of domestic abuse often cannot makes choices which allow them to escape the connection to abusers and that is the same for children who grow up with parents who have stalkers. Or for children who grow up with parents who may have very high profile or important jobs which put them into touch with possible very dangerous situation or people where they are more visible to what to them is invisible.

 

I struggled

I was worried sick about our safety, and how I had and had not known how to parent.

I too did not want to let my daughter go, despite all the challenges I put her through: being spoken to as an adult, not being able to be protected from responsibility, my addiction - I had become a very heavy cigarette smoker.

I was relieved when I was able to afford simple stuff because money was a struggle, but for your children who mind money because they grow up with it is as lack so therefore it becomes your Childs biggest notice it truly does become their soft and tender sensitive spot and therefore their depth of trauma, which throws them into rebellion and speaks in defiance toward you, because it looks as though you are intentionally not managing, and that translates as hurting them. You can only imagine how it felt to my daughters mind after she slipped from my lap, after that damaged her brain with that creating her mind, so after I hurt her now there is a struggle for money.

Dear God, 

Finally, grown and free we did move on with our lives thankfully, significantly and freely, and still do.

It was happening all over again, but this time mum was not as spritely, and was become changed by menopause, and this external thing called stalking again but this time it was not one old man in the street, this was helicopters, and it was very physically debilitating. I could barely speak the effect was so bad which my daughter to be honest just did not understand. It was difficult to see why. 

As, I was happily growing into my old age. Revenge was ready to set the stage. Vin, is not so hard as before as though standing up for myself as a child sexually attacked was a competition to hacked!

There were timely rows between, there were patterns of course every child has right to live in this world as their happy free place not having to looking over their shoulder about who stalked their parent or who maybe scheming their way back into your life through your children after being outed as an enemy, but from about 2003 there was that overlap of that happening feeling!

Scary, I was asked as though it was needed to be.

Why wouldn't any of us have the right to retire and live out our lives in a really good and positive way.

Noring, away at us began, and sadly still continues. Working in transport for years where there are supposed laws to protect people from a bad overlap happening.

Though, you could explain it depending out what type of injuries your children, or anyone else for that matter has endured will determine as to whether they understand the full reason of you not having enough money. The years of pay disputes. Be they only mild, but again why wait til it because a major concern. The old trick of working for someone who has just as many things to sell you as they have paid you. That is another thing that can lesson the purse.

Nobody else knows what you have to do as a family unit to survive whether as full in house family or as empty nesters. Nothing is as straight forward as it may look.

Children who keep their head down and on their own grind for the good of their family in the long or short run. May look like all kinds of things especially to those who ought not to be stalking other peoples children, and in the fullness of everything need to be minding their own business. Especially, when they already know they had always been deluded, and always had delusions about us when we had to break free of them so we could meet our own needs, in our own life.

Children of lone parent families where there has been no financial assistance learn a level of financing which means they go out, and get careers or suffer from or experience being moved even away from education to get on the career ladder to relieve the bills their father where responsible for paying. Seeing that journey, and being apart of who that person becomes is a rewarding, and at the same time challenging thing. 

A defiant child is not always said to be a good child, and it is hard to come up against at times especially if one of you appears to affected and fighting the affects of the stalker, and one appears to be oblivious to all the scheming of others, plus all the stalker does to you both, but that is also an affect and sometime the most challenging, defiance or inconvenient defiance can cause and add a lot of difficulties within relationship especially parent and child it is also really difficult when you have that problem yourself and you are the parent trying to be the adult, and seemingly your own child beats you to it, but yet it can be dangerous to remove the defiance because of the dual purposes it appears to have.

In brain health, I cannot fully explain it as anything else. All I know right now is I  still want to be a better parent to my child...and stop nagging her about where I feel I can see how what I made her go through, is affecting the way she speaks to me, or perceives what I mean, or am saying. We are almost complete opposites of each, and I loved it, even though I may struggle with that at times.

I hoping now to be able to continue my studies with less audio's!

I am so Thankfully, Gratefully, Blessed, to Repent, and Surrender for the Forgiveness Power and Purpose Life is!

So, Dear God

​​​​​​​Was this worth staying up to write?

​​​​​​​Yes, I can feel sensations going back on forth on the top of my head like etherial or ethereal head band!

Praise be to God from whom all Blessings flow

​​​​​​​I am sorry I do not know where that quote came from

I am just so grateful for protection in spirit of me, and my family and the rest of the world, Amen!

NATURAL FLOWISM

A FREEDOM OF BEING!

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